CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!

thank you lord for the past year and the year that is about to come. may 2012 be filled with laughter, blessings and good cheer. :)


hibernate mode na ulit dahil....MROD na bukas! ahahaha. Happy 2012!!!!! nawa'y hindi pa magunaw ang world. ahahahaha.


maraming maraming salamat sa lahat ng tao, bagay, pangyayari at ka-eklatan na nagpasaya ng 2011. :)

in storm...

got lucky this year and ended up not being on duty during christmas and new year's eve. still learning the ropes at sobrang lost pa rin buth at least medyo hindi na ako nagpapalpitations every time nakakakita ako ng new entry sa chart or ng abg na bago  dahil pure hindi ko alam ang gagawin hahaha. pero funny talaga ang mga new onset kabaliwan secondary to this new life...

was post duty yesterday and my biggest fear was to sleep it off and wake up at 6am na uli ng umaga. so I tried to sleep during the afternoon so I could wake up in time for kainan portion...with strict reminders to everyone at home to wake me up or drag me from my bed when it is indeed time to lamon (dahil feeling ko I was so deprived of eating this week....what with eating one egg the entire day! at kayaning mag NPO for 12 hrs) ...then suddenly I was jolted awake to see the clock at 630. PALPITATIONS! OMG malalate ako! Magchachart pa! Napatakbo talaga ako sa labas in my pure pantulog outfit only to find out na 630pm pa lang. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. buti nalang.

then today when I got home slept again only to suddenly be awakened by me having a nightmare of  charting in ward 1 and then suddenly nagtoxic bigla yung patient ko tapos hindi ko maintindihan...then suddenly realizing....ooooh. asa bahay pala ako. AHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

hahahaha. buhay RIC....ang theme song mo for your patients ay yung kanta ni Kylie Minogue na...can't get you out of my head ahahahahaahahaha.

this is not an alarm clock!

have been out of the loop while preparing for my newest adventure in the shore...it is exactly five days since I have started walking around like a headless chicken. ahahahahaha.


my eyes are drooping as I am typing this...buth I just would like to thank my batchmates who like me are like fish na pinakawalan sa open sea....and of course my super dependable friends...who answer my frantic calls of distress as I struggle to keep my head afloat all this. ahahaha. hope you don't get tired of using your senior voice to my batibot level questions! ahahahaha.


excited to be back and make new and happy memories for the next 3 years. :)

30.

It is 30 days before the start of Stress-idency. Thus, every day must be packed with all the things I wanna do before I go forth and fill my brain with knowledge (AHOOOOY! hahaha) and my body with stress! hahahahaha. amidst the lectures, trp practice, rummage sales, costume preparations and other stuff, I find myself finding comfort in going home and doing nothing-ness in front of the computer and pinning pins!


and now as is tradition....my active batchmates in facebook are posting the 1 month mark on their statuses...to document this time when you are still sane and happy. to make a bookmark in your mind so that in those trying moments you can take out this memory and remember that happy time when you were excited/happy/scared of this new journey. ahahahahaha. pero dahil ayoko magjinarts sa facebook at hindi enough ang lines ng status update ay dito nalang ako sa bloggeth...ahaha. errr.. blogger.


now to think of fun filled things to do on my last 30 days of nothing-ness! any ideas? ang gusto ko lang talaga ay 1 weekend away from the world. to meditate ahahahaahahaha. or to commune with nature. hahaha.


to 29 more fun filled days! ahoooooooy! ahahahahahahahaha.

When the dog bites! When the bee stings! When I'm feeling saaaaaaad....

I have been currently sleeping late because of pins. AHAHAHA. HTGOF recently recommended this website (www.pinterest.com)  to me where you can find all your favorite things:  quotes, food, rooms, pets, dresses....and pin them!

it has given me a lot of insight. on how to dress...

Pic from:
bananarepublic.gap.com

what to put in my dream house....

pantry na SARI-SARI store level!

Rock pillows!

Cmon! 

Pics from:
http://www.furniturefashion.com/2010/03/22/livingstones_over_sized_pebble_pillows_from_smarin.html
http://blueprintbliss.blogspot.com/2011/09/thinking-about-pantry.html
http://papernstitchblog.com/2011/05/09/before-after-romantic-bathroom-re-do/

cute pets/ crazy animals...

Pics from:
http://images.piccsy.com/cache/images/72261-ff0241-376-480.jpg
http://joannecasey.blogspot.com/2011/05/these-seats-are-taken.html

and rolling in the deep quotes that make me go either ahoooooy....or AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Pics from:
lovequotes.com
ifunny.mobi

O diba? I just have to include this for SAFM pala:

pic from:
weheartit.com


gotta loooove pinterest! hahaha. here are my crazy pins for more nothingness!!!! : http://pinterest.com/elizamia/pins/

sweet dreams are made of these...

I have lived in Manila for the past 27 years and I am very much used to the traffic, the dirt and of course the major karindihan because of the pure and utter NOISE! Ahahaha. So imagine my surprise when I trotted out of the house today (to buy candles in Quiapo and take a side trip to that place that sells 20 peso earrings!) and then biglang...zumooozooom lang ang jeep ng tuloy tuloy mula Taft hanggang Jones Bridge! ahahahaha. In 10 minutes, I was in front of Quiapo church and haggling my way towards the cheapest pieces of kandila one can buy a day before Undas. AHAHAHAHAHAHA.


Haaay. ang saya saya talaga pag holiday...walang tao sa daan...walang masyadong sasakyan...nakakatakbo ka sa ilalim ng underpass ng quiapo at city hall...at nakakahanap ng mga murang bargains in unlikely places...like underpass-es! (may ganon bang word!?!?!) 80 peso shirts na 1 thou plus sa greenbelt! FTW! AHAHAHA!  and for more sale pa sa SM!!!!!! OMG. stop me. ahahahaha.


and then 4 hours after ang dami ko ng nabiling kung anu-ano! ahahahahaha. ayloooooveeeet. little joys! bursts of happiness! ahahaha. sana dumami pa! :)

insert Twilight Zone/Jaws music here! ahahaha.

It is Halloween week once again at puro kababalaghan ang nasa TV. My dad and I after channel surfing have found ourselves watching Jaws 2 on HBO just to avoid watching all those specials about monsters and multos and all that....dahil nakakasawa na at nagkaka-nightmares kami! WAHAHAHAHA. I must say nag-iiba talaga ang perspective pag tumatanda ka na. I remember hiding behind my hands watching this movie when I was little dahil sobrang nakakatakot nung higanteng shark na kinakain lahat ng tao! And then kanina...habang nanonood kami, to my surprise...we were doubling over in laughter nung iniisa isa na yung mga taong sumisigaw nung giant synthetic shark! Dahil habang sila ay nagpapanic ng bonggang bongga lalo sila nahuhulog ng nahuhulog sa sea to be met by the giant jaw of the faker shark! OMG! hahahahaha. at panalo pa yung nakashorts na babae dahil alam mo sya na ang next by virtue of her shorts! and the gore that it will show when the faker shark sinks its faker teeth into the girl's skin. WAHAHAHA. halloween na halloween. 

and then in the end natalo nila si Jaws dahil pinakain nila siya ng high voltage wire at sumabog siya na parang FIREWORKS!!!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  funny how when you were younger all you saw was the horror of being eaten alive by this monster.  imagine not being brought home dahil kinain na ang laman mo ng isa pang living thing! ahoooooy.

funny how life turns out the way it does...one year flies by so fast. suddenly you are once again starting a different adventure. I hope these fears that I have will soon be replaced by laughter of having had the chance to experience the craziness that will surely ensue in this new journey. ahoooy naubos ang pagiisip ng words! ahahahahaha. (nag-try talagang i-connect ang dots! ahahaha)  

Have a Happy (and not scary) Undas Weekend! :)

You raise me up!

...because I'd like to remember this day with lots of thanks and a steady supply of faith.

“God, please let your will be done… Let your will be done in my life always. If what I am about to do is not your will, please give me an unrest about it. Please put a stop to it. Lead me in the right path. I want to follow your will. I want to walk in your way…. if this is what you want me to do, please confirm it to me and grant me peace concerning it. Bless the work of my hands and let me glorify and honor you in all that I do. Let me live to testify your goodness. Show me what to do. Lead me where to go. Show me what steps to take. Thank you Lord, because I know your plans for me are for good and not for evil. Thank you because I know you have me on your heart. Thank you because you are my Father and You love me. And I know I have peace in you. Amen.”

-Author Unknown, from Jollynotes.com 

special thanks to those who have kept me sane when I needed it most, HTGOF, Miss T,  Ate Smoketh, Ate Enjh and SAFM! *huuuuuug* i love you guys. *tears tears* HAHAHAHA. 

carefree....again.

I want to laugh out loud. I want to have fun in the rain. I want to go see nature. I want to go out with my friends....I want to laugh out loud again...dahil pwede na ulit...

...pero umuulan at bumabagyo sa labas.... at baha na. 

Haaaaay bagyo. 

footprints in the saaaaand.....

I am walking around like a headless chicken....pacing and trying to assure myself that it's fine to take a step forward....






to the shoooooooore!!!!!










I'm baaaaaaaack!!!!!





...but the thought of endorsement still scares the living daylights out of me. AHAHAHAHA.

balik-tanaw...

I have recently finished the first leg of the amazing race and am currently waiting for the results...while nursing a cold and reading nostalgia filled posts at our recently filled facebook group of UPCM alumni. it's funny and a bit sad and at the same time bittersweet to see some things never change sa shore...like tourniquet gloves, cramming, samplexes, brown sauce and of course Roborat! AHAHAHAHAHA. pati mga daily tasks medyo kaunti lang ang pinagbago...like pagkadkad ng yelo sa ref, monitoring the PGets way, pagbitbit ng mga putol na paa, pagturo kung saan mahahanap ang ABG, etc. pati ang mga crazy terms that you can only use in PG...dahil hindi yun magkakaroon ng point sa ibang lugar!

I was amazed to see that 2 hours had passed while reading everything about life before and the things that have changed.  and then pagtingin ko sa torrent ko....tapos na magdownload ang Atonement! AHAHAHAHA. 

bilis talaga ng oras pagka gumagawa ng mga bagay na gusto mo...feeling ko bigla medstudent ako ulit and  I was reading an extremely long trans with a very long final page! HARHARHAR..

one year in your life...

Today I remember my first teacher post boards. While the country was glued to their TV sets to monitor the hostage crisis and my brods and sisses were celebrating our victory in the medical boards, I was going crazy (literally with tears and tearful phone calls) trying to manage decompensated heart failure at home...and of course failing miserably dahil ika nga ni Ate Smoketh...ang q1 ay minamanage sa hospital. hahahahaha.

Tito J, maraming salamat sa lahat. On Friday, we will be celebrating your 1st year in heaven. Wag mo muna isama sa yo si Nanay ha....ok?

Little birds will sing along in time...

as the facebook walls erupt with congratulatory messages on the recently concluded Physician Licensure Exams...I'd like to take this time and give thanks to the man who I owe half my genes...

to my daddy, my kapamilya teleserye and MMK guess the title buddy, my taga-sundo and taga-dala ng mga gamit na naiiwan ko sa bahay, to the one who taught me how to use the computer, how to write essays,  how to enjoy movies, songs, and to the one who taught me how to be calm at times of adversity...

Happy Birthday!

I may not understand most of your major decisions and choices in the past 64 years of your life....I am forever thankful that you are and you always try to be there for me all the time.

and for more, congratulations also to our clerks, now our colleagues, our friends from UPCM Class 2011 who made every UPCM student proud today! The day you learned you passed the medical boards is a day you'll always remember for the rest of your life.  :)

and for more nostalgia....this song was sung by my dad when I was little when he puts me to sleep. I remember knowing the tune of this song but I never knew the lyrics nor the title. at dahil may youtube na ngayon...ito pala sya heehee.

breaking dawn...

before my day ends, I find my brain spouting out blog worthy material that I can't type because

1. I am lying in bed

2. nasa taas pa ang computer at nakakatamad umakyat at 1 am.

yes. 1 am. i have had the most erratic body clock since I have left the workforce. I now feel like I'm a call center agent still wide awake at this time while instantaneously falling into deep sleep around 3-5 pm. or...pwede ring jetlagged person galing US. ahahahaha.

hay naker.circles. I feel like I am going around in circles...like a dog chasing its tail...at nahihilo na ako at hindi ko alam paano tumigil. exactly a year ago, I saw my blog entry about the upcoming board exams...one day more ika nga ng kanta ng Les Miz...with matching lyrics ahahaha. and now...one year after...I feel like I've been in a suspended state of animation. but boy am I glad that boards' season is over and done with. it's not something I would want to repeat. ahahaha. BUTH! meron pa nga palang specialty and subspec boards..BUTH ulit....I guess ano...wala ng mas sasaklap pa sa pakiramdam bago ang medical licensure examinations...kung saan nakataya ang pangarap mo. ahahaha.

how weird it is that now I'm in front of the computer typing...I can't seem to compose myself. haha. iba pa rin pag ang utak mo ay diredirechong nagfifire na parang baril...if only I could take those profound thoughts and transform them into blog entries. like the other night I was contemplating about my life as a commuter for the past 27 years...or the other night I had this blogworthy thought of hand me downs...and the other about how children "can make tiis" their parents...but in the end...parents don't....or how hard it is to be alone when you're an only child... and how sometimes I feel like I'm retreating more into myself....or how sad it is to be awake on a Friday night with Facebook and some random movie as your companion while you keep on attempting to read and keep on failing every single time...or how hard it is when you feel like you don't wanna be your parents but you're thankful for them....or the other day where I pondered on my encounters with guys and how it changed from someone helping me dress up, to one shoving a slushie down my back ( and yes, that was way before glee),to proclaiming to my face that no one in their right mind would want to be with someone like me...let alone make me a teenage mom,  to standing me up during prom night, to liking them and finding out that they are fictional characters, taken, di ma-reach, di realistic, and of course ang walang kupas na...becky or halaman or walang kasarian...or to that time when I thought about my mother's wishes for me in my life and how I have no idea if any of them came true....haha. pinaka-runon sentence.

hope that in this time when I can actually  write...I can make these entries worth nothing but thero thommenths. hahahahahahaha.

Under pressure.

Purpose. the thing that gets you going. the reason for the season. the goal. If in a beauty contest or in a job interview, you are asked...what is your purpose in life?What would be your answer?

When I hear this question, the first things that come to mind are sugarcoated responses like to be a good member of society (eeeew!), to be a good Filipino (cmon!)...to be a god fearing, proactive, contributing member of the universe (AHOOOOOOY! suka all over)....to be the greatest physician this world has ever known (AHAHAHAHAHA. in fairness, libre naman mangarap)...to be a good wife, mother and grandmother (sige na nga...)

na ang gusto mo lang sabihin kung ikaw ay isang interviewer ay isang malaking....WEEEEEEEH? talaga lang ha?

siguro kaya naimbento ang librong...the purpose driven life (speaking of which I have 2 copies that I barely skimmed)...ay para matulungan ang mga taong maghanap ng purpose. I guess when you don't have purpose...you have no direction. and a direction-less life can be really sad...and boring...and of course downright depressing.

speaking of which, since my detour I have been battling inside myself whether I should go into further training. to train or not to train. I was so tired of studying during the past 5 years and the thought of studying again always makes me question if kumukuha lang ba ako ng batong ipupukpok ko lang sa ulo ko. ahahahaha. I have been forcing myself to study this humongous book filled with amazing information but every day that I try I never reach my goal. One of my sisses who we will call The Other Man, Kids edition (dahil wala pa akong maisip na ibang code name), recently talked about having 3Ps to succeed... passion, purpose and perseverance. Oh what wisdom you people haaaave. haaaay.

The first week I was making progress...the 2nd week I was slightly faltering and by the 3rd week I was just miserable and decided to stop trying. up until today. I read not because I want to but because I feel guilty for not using up this time to do what I intended to do in the first place. Sabi ko siguro I need to follow TOMKed's advice. I need to find purpose. so that I can be passionate about it and continue persevering. It sucks kasi hanggang ngayon ang sagot ko pa rin ay isang malaking...I do not know the answer. AHAHAHAHA.

It sucks that all my life I wanted to be this. But now that I have achieved it, I find myself wondering why I even wanted to be one. Bakit kelangan ganoon katagal ang igugol para lang dito? I guess gaya ng iba naloko ako nung kasabihang pag-graduate mo, happily ever after ang katapat.  The past weeks have been slowly reminding me that this season/ year of nothingness is about to end. It has been constantly reminding me that adulthood has now become me...and I can't escape it any longer. Akalain mong end of Harry Potter pa ang catalyst of it all. ahahahaha.

I am staring at my application form and I can't bring myself to fill it up. Not when I am in this state. of pure uncertainty. I don't even know what I'm passionate about. sabi ko kay Songbird at HTGOF, I'm passionate about searching for things for other people. maybe I should just be a search engine. AHAHAHA. pero wala namang ganoong work. hahahaha.

I guess finding one's purpose in life is a lifelong process...kaya nga....purpose in life. siguro mas do-able ang purpose driven day. like the purpose of today is to find a purpose for this day at ngayon matatapos na ang araw ay parang lumipas lang ito. kagaya rin ng lumipas na 25 days. chaka all over.

I have been living purposeless days...guess it's time to stop the nothingness and bring back that competitive edge. the only question now..is how?


and now 24 hours and an earthquake and a typhoon after...I finished reading this little blue book about med. AHAHAHAHA. and all my brain can say is TMI! TMI! TMI! TMI! ahahahahahaha.

Oh simple thing...where have you gone?

as you've probably read from SAFM's journal....I am currently working for...the Man (hahaha. pahiram ng code name)...reviewing Rheuma charts to help make their osteoarthritis database...

I have now read 200+ charts and have always been nostalgic to read my friends' entries when we were once jinterns. I remember texting SAFM about his 2 page intense entry with crazy PE findings only to see a chart during Medicine ER rotation with my notes of....


BT O+
RIV attached.



WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. pinaka-kebs. buth after thorough investigation...i think TIC lang naman ata ako...




but sometimes I really wonder where all my passion for this profession has gone....(ibang level talaga ang intensity para lang makapasok sa UPCM) haaaaaaaaay naker. AHAHAHAHA. I guess that's what this break is for. hahaha.

who can say where the road goes...

met up with the famous HTGOF and Miss Tingle last Saturday to go around and do nothing in Makati.

after having left the mothership I am now in that state of nothingness where I'm slowly swimming back to the shore... Ms Tingle is now testing the waters and seeing if she too can come back in another area of the shore...and HTGOF has now....left the shore! AHAHAHA.


so to celebrate our newfound states of nothingness, the three of us wandered around Rockwell to have even more nothingness...then suddenly to our surprise we saw our long lost batchmate and fellow alta, FC, who regaled us with her amazing tales of life in her newfound  happy life in one of the most alta hospitals in the country....and  thus, we ended up making such deeep deeep deeeeeep realizations that would rival the sisterhood of the traveling pants....AHAHAHAHAHAHA....

pero dahil hindi kami  ganoon ka sexy at parang ang weird na may isang pants lang kaming tatlo...ito na lang...

to more years of wisdom...

this post is dedicated to our guru and source of all wisdom who is celebrating her birthday today...


may you have the best birthday everrrrr Ate Smoketh! and may you continue to spout off nuggets of wisdom for all of us to gobble when we're lost.


HAHAHAHA!

Let me start again...

Today I beamed myself out of the mothership into the sea. Feeling ko April 30 ulit at bukas ay May 1 na. Bittersweet to leave a source of sweldo and friends I got to know up there but at the same time really excited to swim back.

I spent my last day cherishing the things I will miss about the mothership...paperless charts, aircon, nice nurses, 8-5 workdays...and also celebrated the end of the things I rant about which I will no longer talk about AHAHAHAHA. overall, I had a generally good experience in the mothership...surprisingly even if moonlighting is all about the money...there are some things you do learn from it. AHOOOY. I'd like to think that this experience has given me some edge when I go back and face the sharks, crabs and sea creatures I will encounter on the way back.

and so I am back to swimming again. I'm quite excited....for I am....coming hooooooome!!!!!!

sabi nga ni April Rhodes sa Glee...


Maybe there's a chance for me to go back
Now that I have some direction
It would sure be nice to back home
Where there's love and affection
And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Giving me enough time in my life to grow up
Time be my friend...

babae sa floodwater...

since the start of the rainy season my friends and I had this weird prayer...dear Lord let it rain so hard from 5 am -12 nn...para benign. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. and for the past few days and weeks that it has been raining napapansin namin na ang ulan ay dumarating lamang ng... 5 pm, nawawala ng madaling araw hanggang mga 10 am...babalik ng alas onse ng umaga at didire-direcho na till uwian. making it extremely hard to go home with all the rain and the kabahaan of it all. specially in Manila which transforms into one big primordial soup after mga 4 hours of nonstop rain! AHAHAHA.

and so today, it rained like there was no tomorrow the entire day since 11 am. and come 5 pm ang kalakhang Maynila ay isa nang dagat ng basura. While I was aboard the jeep all I could think of was...LEPTO! LEPTO! F#*#&@ LEPTO na namaaaan.  I tried to get home but I had to go around all the way to Taft from Makati dahil puro tubig lang ang nakikita ko. and for more...ang tubig ay halos kalevel na ng step pagpasakay ka na ng jeep! hahaha.

so after 5 palipat lipat ng jeep dahil lahat ng mga jeep nagtuturn around because of the baha....I met my dad who fetched me in the somewhat higher area near our house which is now like an island! ahoooy. pagkakita ko sa dad ko dinalhan niya ako ng calf length BOTA/rubber boots for the baha dahil sobrang lalim na nga sa mga streets. so there I go so confident na there will be no need for Doxycycline 200 mg/tab single dose until dumating kami sa isang corner where...hanggang tuhod ang baha! AHAHAHAHAHAHA. greeaaaaaaat. and for more pumasok din therefore sa loob ng bota ang tubig na black na may lumlutang na....IPIS dun sa may gilid! EEEEEEEWWWWW. 

at pagdating pa sa may tapat ng bahay...baha na talaga. ahahahahaha. shoooooot. flashback Ondoy level...mini edition!!!!! sana mamaya hindi na ako magising na lumulutang ang kama ko! AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

IKR GM?

after watching some commercial na may I know right sa dialogue...

Mom: Anak, ano ba ang  ibig sabihin ng I know right?
The Daw: uuuhhhh....aaaah.....expression yon. ibig sabihin...gets ko sinasabi mo...parang I know what you mean.
Mom: E bakit hindi nalang sabihing I know what you mean or gets mo? Ang labo...parang sinasabi mo may tama ako!
The Daw: huh? ang layo kaya nun. basta...mas maiksi yun. ginagawa pa ngang IKR yun ano!
Mom: Eh...bakit hindi nalang GM? mas maiksi kaya yon!!!!!!
The Daw: anong GM?
Mom: Ano berrrr....e di.... GETS MO?


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Constant Change...AHAHAHAHA.

was waiting for Ms. Tingle and HTGOF at the nearest 7 eleven from the Mothership when I suddenly zoned out of reading Pocket Medicine to the incessant chatter coming from the table at the back...

Seller ng medical supplies #1: Doktora siguro ang busy busy nyo talaga
Doktora: Hay sinabi mo pa, grabe kmi nung asawa ko, parehas kaming doktor hindi kami makapagbakasyon kasama ng mga bata nung summer. Imagine mo, pumunta kami sa States, 10 days lang. tapos yung planned din naming Europe parang 1 week lang.....blah blah...buy medical supplies, blaaaaah.

AHOOOOOOOY. Ranting Consultant edition. ganoon pala pagka Consultant na at meron kang 5 clinic sa iba't ibang hospital sa Metro Manila. (and for more, I got this info all while listening to them talking as if sila lang ang tao sa buong 7-11)...

I then suddenly had a flashback of all the times we were ranting in medschool. after medschool.internship. before boards. after boards. right now. pati yung aking resident friends, fellow friends. ranting.venting. everyday. if there were whinification notifications in life like in Facebook, siguro kami more than 100 whinifications every day.

I guess it's true. whatever stage you are in life, ranting... like change...is constant. it just varies in kind...but ultimately...some things are just never enough. siguro kung ang pagrarant ay nacoconvert sa pera, mayaman na ang mga tao! AHAHAHAHA. buti nalang in some instances...ranting can be convertible to happiness AHAHAHAHA.


...pero ang ultimate question in my head...ay bakit sila sa 7-1l of all places nagbebentahan ng medical supplies? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

ps: safm....hulaan mo kung sinong artist kumanta ng name ng song sa title! and no it is not...ted ito. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

the things we do...

attendance sheet in a Renal +Cardio inspired RTD....

Name                        Specialty

Smoketh                   Kidney person!

Cofellows x 10         Kidney people

Cofellows x 10         Heart people

SAFM                      Cancerbuster

Enjh                           Little people

BOTD                      Nothing

to my fellowship friends! It was so much fun! with Xmen First Class for the second time around for more katatawanan and pails around Rob to catch the neverending rain...


...for free food! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

fog-filled reflections...

today I told the Cigarette Smoking Man (aka as my boss)  that I will be leaving the mothership soon... to look back at the shore and go back to what I really want...which is to tunganga. JOKE! ahahahaha. 

the last two weekends have been reflective for me despite the fact that I spent it gallivanting around Tagaytay...to the point na tour guide level ang theme ko! at alam ko rin kung saan ang mahal at mura na hotel dahil sa aking new found source of power...which is....GOOGLE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

anyway, last weekend, HTGOF, Ate Smoketh and Ate Enjh and I had a super fun-action-packed-activity-filled weekend where we communed with nature, engaged in "sports" (and by sports I meant...picture taking and cable-car-"ing"), ate lots of food, went to the beach, swam in the pool, drank coffee, visited churches,  drove around fog filled streets, and had a happy dose of wifi! however I think the best part of it all was the observership. to those of you who don't know, observership is the process of sitting and staring into space with your friends, while your ears and eyes take in all your surroundings and your brain aka frontal lobe starts firing itself up with comment after comment (which you cannot blurt out loud for more!) hehehehehehe.

there are a lot of insights we got from our 2 day observership in Tagaytay. such as..

1. the pathognomonic sign of being an Alta are multiple ipad2s, dslrs, and a Conchita (*think Schwarznegger level* clue: naka scrubs din sila)

2. the prim and proper way of telling people that aalis ka na/mauuna ka na ay...."I'll take my leave"

3. do not believe the waiter when he says the smaller size of an ulam is for 2 people only.

4. do not judge a plate by its cover....dahil baka pansapin lang pala sya of something so large...like a kawali!

5. if you don't know something...google finds a way!

6. wifi makes the world a better place...and a quieter one...dahil lahat nakatitig sa gadget nila!

7. if you don't know the directions to where you're going....don't ask gas boys....hindi nila alam. dahil ang tunay na nakakaalam ay....GOOGLE MAPS!  AHAHAHAHAHA.

8. mas mahal pa ang table sa beach kesa ang pagpasok sa beach.

9. climate change is real....don't even bring a jacket in tagaytay during the day. walang point!

10. if transpo in Manila were Cable Cars, there will be no more weekends dahil late lahat ng tao! AHAHAHAHA.

11. all farm animals in the Philippines have protein energy malnutrition!

12. it is possible to survive on bread/cookies alone. ahahahahaha.

13. tagaytay highlands is one big smurfs village! it has those fence thingies!

anyway, last weekend was a success and was one of my most memorable weekend getaways. then this week, Tingle Bell, HTGOF and I watch Kung Fu Panda 2 which is filled with such insight such as inner peace and letting go of the past for more! which made me realize that despite the fact that our TV is getting busted and that our refrigerator needs to be replaced...hindi ibig sabihin na kelangan ko silang palitan now na or lahat ng furniture namin sa bahay for that matter. there is actually a  need to channel all my inner peace into residency and getting IN! ikr! because it is the future. ahahaha. so I read...and of course have an attention span of an ADHD kid so after 3 pages I stop...but at least....medyo nag mo-move naman ng mala-snail ang aking reading list. 

suddenly HTGOF texts that we are coming back this Sunday to Tagaytay with our med batchmates for moooore plan-less plans and chismis. I learned that our batchmates are now doing appendectomies on their own, can now recite from memory and teach other batchmates how to do nasotracheal intubation and do other specialist related things and I was suddenly hit with a realization ( or more of an inner inggit factor that they have so much learning)  that I really need to go back. like I really need to stop this transient time. and that I need to focus on the goal. so back to my first statement....I need to go back....to the shore. and now I suddenly remember all those cheesy rom-com movies I watch where there is this habulan portion in the airport at the last minute....to chase for the one you truly want to be with. AHOOOOOY. I hope this time I am successful. 

rolling in the deep....

I haven't written in a long time...mainly because after my last entry...I felt like I have gone down with a very bad bout of depression that not even multiple AHAHAHAHAHAHAs I type in this blog are enough to console me. coupled with that were an achy throat, enlarged tonsils, unrelenting fever and poor response to antibiotics that had me thinking really hard. dahil...hindi naman ako makapagsalita. HAHAHAHA.

the ever wise Smoketh told me maybe it's a sign to listen to what's being said in silence...but I felt sad because in all those days of silence, I felt I had sensorineural hearing loss. I remember sitting in SMF1 being utterly depressed and bursting into tears because I felt that maybe this is not the right path....this being my current career/profession. maybe I'm better off being someone else. but after 2 minutes with that train of thought, I realized I don't know how to be anything else. AHAHAHAHAHA.

so I just sucked it up and continued on...with life in the mothership. of a life I wanted to leave, to do something that is so pathetic...which is to stare in space and just for a moment in my life have nothing to worry about. no future talk, no money problems, no family problems....I just want to exist. AHAHAHAHA. feeling ko nasabi ko na ata ito dati HAHAHA.

I always delete the blog posts I come up with...because now...they are just unending rants of loneliness that are no longer funny. I feel like I'm in a dark and twisty place...alone. hay nakerrrrrrrrrr. hope the next time I write I have something more happy to talk about.

somewhere only He knows...

I can't believe holy week is over. Now being almost half a year into the workforce,  I am craving vacation like it's sleep during med school days...which is so few and far between. and so since the Christmas break I was in anticipation for the next 4 days of nothingness that the holy week will bring. what with it being a time to reflect and all...so I came up with plans, like doing this and doing that (hindi ko na ie-elaborate dahil wala namang natupad sa kahit anong plan ko) to make sure that those 4 days of nothingness will surely be worth it. BUT NO! ano ang ginawa ko noong holy week? e di wala. tumunganga na naman ako na parang pakiramdam ko asa beach ako where time passes ever so slowly. 

In fairness to me, nag-attempt naman ako gumawa ng something na may katuturan for my future. I had a staring contest with Harrison's. literally nagtititgan lang kami the entire morning. with me just staring at its font size 6 filled pages of wisdom and telling myself...this is the BIBLE! this is the FUTURE! this is it! read this now! and after mga 3 hours...naka 4 pages lang ako ng DM chapter...all of which is nothing but a distant memory to me 4 days after. 

Then, when I realized I couldn't study, I tried to exercise. and then, I realized...I can no longer lift my legs up with straight knees without them shaking like I had some neurologic disorder or hypokalemia. so...therefore...I had nothing left to do...but watch TV...watch TV mass...watch lenten programs...go online....download pointless stuff....look for recipes for my mom in the internet...and finish pointless family projects like personalized tumblers, tarpaulins, and post-post-post wedding slideshows.

I can't believe hindi ko man lang na-organize ang songs sa itunes ko, or hindi man lang ako nakablog...about how a year ago, I was this tired intern with an immense fear of the upcoming board exams and eager for a new life ahead of her. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. then after volleying myself around the computer and my bed and in between playing marriage counselor to my parents or just pretending I'm alone....I found myself  sitting in mass on a black saturday listening to 7 readings in the mass and feeling so lost.

I am so lost I have been having nightmares of not finding that bottle of water when I am extremely thirsty. HAHAHA. such crazy worries that have been plaguing my mind. Then, a few hours ago, I woke up and reality has come back. 

I feel like I have just woken from a dream. Minsan iniisip ko sana it's a dream and I can rewind to that time after the board exam results. Maybe if I had tried harder, I would be in a happier place...with a definite future...where I'm not lost. Maybe if I had tried harder, I would now be worrying about where to find antibiotics, where to get money for my patient's mech vent. Mahirap pala pag bigla ka madetour. I still feel na hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin nawawala ang vertigo.

Buth...there comes the buth...in these past how many months, I have money, I have a life, I have a weekend, an ipod, a laptop, I have time, I have sleep. Things I have desperately craved for the past 5 years. so maybe, I am not lost...but am at a pitstop. 

and maybe now, it's time to refocus...and walk again.

plan-less weekend....priceless!

I remember one face time ages ago when Ate Smoketh and Ate Enjh and I trooped to Chocolate Kiss and concluded that one day we will have Facetime out of town edition...and yesterday we boarded a bus and found ourselves out of Manila!

AHAHAHA. ang nakakatawa ay walang planning masyado na naganap...well, the night before, in true med-school-exam-style-cramming session, ay naghanap hanap kami sa interneth ni Ate Enjh ng mga resorts wondering if we will be able to book one at 7pm on a Friday night. FOR MORE!!!!! initial plan was to go to Laiya buth after much contemplation and text messaging we decided we wanted to go the distance...and cross the seas to go to Puerto Galera. so 12 hours later we were onboard the bus to Batangas Port! at pagdating sa port parang magic na biglang may nagoffer ng roundtrip fare tickets to Puerto and then they were then selling us 6 gallons of bottled water dahil mahal daw doon sa island. and so, in pure Pinoy gullible-ness....bumili kami ng PINAKA overpriced na mineral water! and then they asked us..."meron na po ba kayong titirhan Ma'am?"

and then after a few minutes we were booked in Hollywood...palm resort. AHAHAHA. but before that kailangan magbangka papuntang isla. and when we boarded I felt as if I was watching a family TV sitcom right in front of me. dahil 12 nn ang sked  ng bangka namin at maglu-lunch na gutom na ang pamilyang ALTA from batangas (whose entire clan was sitting in front of us),  so mother alta asks tita alta for bread which she promptly divides to all her kapamilyas and then asks for palaman. at in pure ALTA fashion...ang palaman nila ay hindi mantikilya, cheez whiz, matamis na bao, kundi CREAM CHEESE from some middle eastern area.  at ang thought bubbles naming 3 na audience ay: OH NOOOOOOO! *cue in psycho movie theme song music* and so everyone in the family ate at least 1slice of bread with cream cheese with mother alta commencing by dipping her bread into the entire bottle of cheese. then Tita Alta gets the last piece of tasty and removes the plastic which housed the bread....and suddenly to my pure and utter horror dunks the plastic into the bottle of cheese and spreads it generously sa kanyang bread. AHAHA. parang modern family pinoy edition! for more! while all of this is happening mother alta is making kulit kuya alta to make picture-picture of the events with their nice new DSLR! ahahaha. start palang nasesense ko na  na magiging winner ang getaway na ito!

then after filling up the boat we set sail to the sandy beaches of Puerto Galera...only to be met by turbulent waves within 30 minutes from leaving the port. and then nagsimula na ang aming kinatatakutan...ang mass PAGSUSUKA na naganap mula sa pamilya ALTA who were now throwing up their cream cheese sandwich and gastric juice into the plastic bags the boatmen suddenly produced. parang papel na pinapasa sa classroom ang theme kapag may quiz! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. and then in pure hysteria fashion...pati ang mga hindi kapamilya ng mga ALTA ay nagsimula na ding mag-heave at masuka! OMG. parang 60% ng bangka nagsusuka! naisip namin buti nalang we were trained in pg...etch where the smell of suka is nothing out of the ordinary. and so naisip namin na para hindi kami masuka at maimmune kami sa kanilang spell ay inilabas namin ang aming trusty IPOD! and we blocked the sounds of their retching with our earphones! AHAHAHAHAHA.

after one hour in pure and utter excitement nakita narin namin ang SHORE! literally! so after disembarking we found ourselves on board the jeep to Hollywood....kung saan binati kami ng staff ng Welcome to Hollywood! AHAHAHAHA. and suddenly naisip namin asaan na ang aming golden ticket? and then...narealize namin na ...wala naman pala kami sa American Idol! AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

so the next two days were devoted to sleeping, swimming, whale-ing in the shore (aka as tumambay at magsunbathing sa shore), kwentuhan, TV watching and eating. LOOOOOOOOOVEEEEET! hahaha. small breaks are such bliss. sana laging pwede gawin yon. hahaha. 

we missed you HTGOF and SAFM! I'm sure if you were with us in SSB aka suka-suka boat maloloka kayo sa katatawa. hoping there's a next small budget-ed buth fun filled weekend in the coming months! :)


ooooh...and if you were wondering anong nangyari sa aming overpriced tubig? hindi namin siya nainom! AHAHAHA. at naiwan nalang siyang alaala at alay-kapwa. AHAHAHA.

happy yippee...YEHEY! AHAHAHA.

it has been said that your relationship with your mother is something so unique yet similar as it spans race, countries and galaxies...sa iba it can be picture perfect Gilmore Girls level or for some it can be as dramatic as the mothers and their children in Joy Luck Club. AHAHAHA. pinaka run-on sentence. anyhoo....

today is my mother's birthday and today I celebrate her life, all the trials she has encountered, those precious moments she will always remember, the precious times I saw her happy and the deep and dark mysteriousness of her soul (Ahoooooy!)...I thank God for giving her 58 years and pray for 58 years more. and though my relationship with my mother is as volatile as the earth's most noble gas...in short pinaka-kaguluhan...I know that all the things I complain about, and all the weirdness I don't understand are her different expressions of her love.

Happy Birthday Mommy! I pray that you be given the grace to find enjoyment and relaxation in your very stress-filled life. :)

hindi ko malimutan kung kailan nagsimula...

na maging jinarts at melancholy in life...AHAHAHAHAHA.

was watching the musical event of the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy and found myself so entertained. of course tawang tawa ako sa biglaang pag-burst into song ng mga characters in the middle of wheeling stretchers around the hospital or while discussing a patient's case and can't help but wonder...what if...God made people speak  in song? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. kakantahan mo ang patient mo na meron syang malalang sakit and stuff. or pag nakipagaway ka sa isang bantay failure ay sisinghalan mo sya  ng some hard core angry rocker song! AHAHAHA.

then habang pa-intense na ng pa-intense ang story ay naisip ko kung ilang beses ba na I wished that my life were just a 1 hour medical drama which starts and ends....and after which I will just lounge....minsan tuloy naiisip ko siguro secret dream kong maging....artista! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. WTHELELELELELLLLL!

anyway, spent another weekend at home where I got to enjoy simple things like playing "Guess the Maalala Mo Kaya episode title" with my parents and laughing like crazy with the auditionees of Pilipinas got Talent. AHAHAHAHA. oooooh. and getting teary-eyed over commercials by Nestle Phils...which make you wish that you had that kind of life. simple joys. must have more of these in life...for moooooooore happiness!

makapag-Coke nga! AHAHAHAHAHA. 

blink*blink*cricket*cricket*

I remember quoting previous blogposts ago the magnificent song of the spice girls called Too much. AHAHAHAHAHA. as happy as I am that I belong to the workforce, it really can get so repetitive and boring and annoying that I was thanking my lucky stars that I got sick last week...thereby allowing me to have 2 days worth of reprieve and of course...2 days worth of kaperahan down the drain. HAHA. boo.

seeing as I have had a lot of time to ponder and think while waiting for my fever to break...naisip ko na mula ng ako'y pumasok hanggang sa ako'y nagtapos (AHAHAHAHA) ay takot na takot ako laging umabsent. AHAHAHA. and then I realized...one of the perks of this year is being able to absent yourself when you are sick for there are more people in the workforce and not just 8 of you in a block. and that there will be no lectures missed, or exams that you have to make up for.


sabi nga ni HTGOF...kung may earth hour...dapat may KEBS hour in every day. that is...aside from our mandatory...lunch hour. AHAHAHAHHAA. an hour where you can be kebs and do anything you want to do. I guess that's what the weekend is for. hahaha. pero syempre mas masaya kung merong mandatory kebs hour in that 8 hours of working or in a 24 hour duty. AHAHAHAHAHA.


so much for substantial posts! AHAHAHAHAHA.

something out of nothing...

I've been typing and retyping this entry for many days. simply because I'm tired of writing of the same old stuff...like hating sunday evenings, wishing something more exciting is happening, missing the shore, etc.

and after all that thoughts...I realized wala na akong maisulat. what fun. what utter sadness. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. no wonder dun sa application na "I write like..." ay nakuha ko yung nagsulat ng Jekyll and Hyde. for ultimate bipolarness.


hope I can write something worth reading in my next entry. AHAHAHAHAHA.

it's like a rainbow...

been feeling under the weather today.  woke up with a headache...and felt dizzy all day. until lunch time when I suddenly discovered that next to our building stands....Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory! AHAHAHAHAHA.


well actually hindi naman puro chocolate ang inilalabas ng WWCF kundi...choco mallows, choco crunchies, hi-ro, jolly, marie, nachos, fish crackers, pretzels, some rip-off of nips and for mooooore flat tops and curly tops. perfect way to end a chaka day.


and so I went home with a plastic bag of stuff. for more happiness. if only life were also that simple! now off to the land of dreams! :)

stuck in a washing machine...

every Sunday night I feel sad.dahil bukas may pasok na ulit. back to the same old boring freakin routine I have established in this life in the mothership. I guess this is the reason why a lot of people in the workforce wish they get instant money and retire early...for more time of tunganga/lakwatsa mode.

every weekend is an amazing race to do everything you've wanted to do the past 5 days dahil hindi kailangan pumasok ng maaga. funny that during the last two years, my weekend was defined by happy post duty moments which were a whopping 24 hours (if you were lucky) or a measly 2-4 hours (kung toxic ang rotation mo)....but now having experienced what it feels to have 2 whole days or in my case 1 and 1/2 days (on the Saturdays that I have to work)....of pure unadulterated nothingness is suuuuuuuuch BLISSS! ahahahahahahahahaha.

cooked a meal for my parents today. for more something to do other than start reading up again. what with the calamities left and right, it sometimes makes you ponder about things that really matter....like should we add another floor to the house? AHAHAHAHAHA. 

this is supposed to be the best time of my life. where the world is my oyster. I can do anything and everything I want to do....well siguro hindi naman everything talaga...but at the moment, I just feel like I'm in the midst of a turbulent flow of water struggling to survive...

AHAHAHAHAHA.

I guess it's just ano....the effect of the supermoon....AHAHAHA.

...moonlight over...paris? hahaha

cavorted with my shipmates today to a maxi-RTD in Soooofitelelel where we attended lectures on HPN by our former teacher. and as we entered the hotel we suddenly saw familiar faces...and then we saw our mentors...the section of cardiology in front of us...omg. nababaliw kaming apat na shipmates from the shore. kasi on one hand, we were so happy to see them now that we are no longer their clerks and interns, but on the other hand parang nahihiya kami kasi para kaming mga lost na batang walang pinatutunguhan ngayon. drifters in the vast blue sea. ahahaha.parang iisa lang ang sagot namin sa tanong nila kung ano na ang ginagawa namin...

Hey! Kamusta na kayo? Ano na ginagawa nyo?
Uhmmm...aaaah....AAAAHhh... dyan dyan lang po. sa some clinic. *runs away in shame*


AHAHAHAHA. hindi namin alam bakit nahihiya kami na we are moonlighting...I guess mataas lang talaga ang pagbibigay namin ng importance sa pagtra-train kaya medyo nahiya kami na parang nadedefer ang aming higher learning hahahaha..


and so we listened to the lectures and  ate and ATE like there is no tomorrow. and then....we  realized how important it is to stay informed and to keep on learning...to save your brain cells from deteriorating. then as we were going home, we all looked up and sighed and told ourselves that one day, if and when we see our esteemed colleagues again...pwede na kami magstay at makipagchikahan. hehehehe.

236,520 hours

last year at exactly this time I was monitoring gyne patients in ward 14b...I was there the entire 24 hours, sitting by my lonesome on the table at the corner while glancing at my phone from time to time to see the messages coming in.

ang saya talaga ng may birthday. hahaha.




the past 27 years of  my life has gone...and I must say....patok naman. panalo! salamat po Panginoon sa lahat ng mga biyayang natanggap at tatanggapin pa sa mga susunod na taon.



happy birthday din sa lahat ng kabirthday ko today! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

cataracts...

after 10M light years I was able to travel back to the shore today. met up with the FELLOWSHIP composed of SAFM, SIU, Endo Queen and soon to be member Ate Enjh where I got a glimpse of what the future holds. you see I've seen them evolve from being our ates and kuyas when we were in 1st year to what they are now... fellows in their soon to be subspecialty world. It's oddly comforting to see them whine and gripe about somewhat similar situations of not knowing things, feeling lost etcetc....ngorkngorkngork...and then realize that one day you too will get to be like them.

I remember one lazy day in the ACU Extension when we were able to unearth super duper OLD logbooks of previous Clerks and Interns in the Ophtha rotation...and it was a delight to see the names of our young consultants with the word Clk before their name. parang nung moment na yon nakita mo ang snapshot na minsan dumaan din sa tulad ng ginagawa mo ang mga tinitingala mo ngayon. ahoooy. lumalalim na  naman...

and so we talked about the craziest things like life, exclusive all girl schools, career talks, chismis, wives of congressmen, nuns, mind boggling puzzles that are the PGH patients and mooooore. buth I guess the best part was the laughter in between all that ranting. hay. my comic index friends really do have a certain way of turning every crazy thought into a funny thing that even statements like "basta gumana yon!" sounds so funny. hahahaha. 

one of the things I also look forward to in these get togethers are the snippets of wisdom from the fellowship. they truly give great advice...like you better enjoy what you are experiencing at this moment, because change is constant ( I totally forgot that nice quote Ate Enjh gave... fresh from her PPS IDS book! ahahaha)...and of course...fake it till you make it! 

to more months of enjoyment and less stress about what the future holds... hahaha.

one day in my life...

life in the mothership passes everyday with me always wishing it were 5 pm...so that I can run back home and kutingting my computer and fill it with nothing but new programs...for MORE. anyway, I now have windows 7 ultimate (which I don't even know bakit ultimate), office  2010 (na hindi ko din gets), at kung anu-ano pa.

then I downloaded film after film and TV special after TV special and saved it all in the hard drive. and ano...nagsearch narin ako ng common causes ng pag-elevate ng GGT in asymptomatic patients who didn't have alcohol intake at nagsearch ng causes ng pagelevate ng Hba1c sa mga pts na walang DM...


hay computer lang ng computer. kahit sa work nakatitig din kami sa computer. I feel like those space people in Wall-E.

i miss my friends. and our crazy laughter over everything. and ranting. and then laughing. and then ranting again...

kaya dito nalang ako sa blog tatawa...para kahit mag-isa ako...someone out there who is reading this crazy blog will laugh with me... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  :)


*belch....suka all over* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

katas ng mothership...

i am ecstatic. over the moon. no, I didn't win the lotto, nor did I find the cure for AIDS or cancer...


i have not found THE ONE...true chorva....



i did not just stare at the ceiling all day...



my hard drive did not resurrect itself....



buth....



BUTH!!!!!!



I just acquired my post boards gift/christmas gift/advanced birthday gift for myself....

FOR MOOOOOOOOORE downloads and MOOOOOOOOOORE  family projects to do...


ngayon...kelangan ko naman i-figure out ang windows 7. HAHAHAHAHA.

I'll see you when we get there...

the other day HTGOF texted me...

" ayaw ko na pumasok. ayaw ko na mag-interview. ayaw ko na magsulat ng mahaba. Oh no. this is gonna be the rest of my life. ayoko ng mag-umaga. ayoko na." 

okay, let's give HTGOF the benefit of the daw dahil masyado atang tagalized na Mara Clara version ang aking simulated text msg. hahaha. but anyway, being the twins that we are, I replied back with..."ako rin. *see previous blog  post of ranting* let's just be whales and magbilad nalang sa shore." life is really crazy because there was a time where we both wished we were living this life we have right now. like...HTGOF once wanted to be an internist with all her heart and I wanted to know how it was to earn a living (parang ang babaw nung sa akin bigla ahahaha)... but now that we're here, living the dream...hindi pa rin kuntento. siguro si God ay mapapa...SIIIIIIIIIIIIGH nalang ng pinakamalalim. *tsk...tsk...tsk...shakes head*

then yesterday we met up with our sisses and discovered that they too are like us. such similar lives we live. IKR. ahaha. kanya kanya lang derivative of kasawaan sa bagong mundong kinagagalawan. naisip namin tuloy ni HTGOF, siguro may ganoon talagang curse ang edad na ito...ang tinatawag ni SIU, O full of wisdom, na quarter life crisis! AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

hahaha. the recurring theme of my blog post pre-res....quarter life crisis...like a black hole. it's so hard to get out of. then I read Ma'am Jean's blog about graduation speeches, and watched Grey's Anatomy episodes that speak to me, and saw friends from the shore who are living the dream, and then for a split second I see the universe again and its vast opportunities. AHOOOOOY. ahahahaha. lumalalim na ang gabi at duma-dive na naman ang utak ko sa pagiimbento ng kalaliman.

then I remember our thwarted FT plans last week at the shrine with SIU (who was still in Eth-Dee land) and SAFM (who was cavorting in the Circle of Pegasus) where HTGOF and I didn't order anything and just chose to lament out loud in the streets of Adriatico...

"bakit ba kasi mabilis ang gabi? bakit kahit antok na antok ka na hindi ka pa pwedeng matulog kasi sayang ang konting hours of freedom, dahil pag natulog ka, pag dilat mo....bukas na ulit. At for moooooore, uulitin mo na naman lahat ng ginawa mo kahapon! bakit? bakit? bakit?"

 and then after all the air is puffed out of our lungs and as we catch our breath, we suddenly remember that once in our lives this is what we wanted the most...and so, we go home, boot our computers, study, facebook,  check some chismis, download stuff from wherever and sleep...and hope that after many days of doing whatever it is we are doing...we will finally get to where we really want to be.

do you ever feel...like a plastic bag?

I am tired...



of life. of interviewing and explaining to patients that they can't board the ship.i'm sick of iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.





pero after mga 20 mins....okay na rin ito. the calm before the storm. the monotony before the craziness....and then I have a lightbulb moment...it is indeed...day 14! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

the truth is OUT...na.ahahaha.

this post is dedicated to our Service Senior....Special Agent Fox Mulder who taught us how to bloggeth, introduced us to SMF1 and enjoyed all our AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAs.

congraaaaaaaaaaaaatulaaaaaaaaaaaaaaations you are now an internist! :) 

now....asan na free voltage namin ni HTGOF at Ate Smoketh? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. just kidding! don't forget to tell us when ang party party! hahahahaha. Good luck sa fellowship! :)

cloudy with a chance of...ANO!

the clock is ticking and it is now the 2nd month of the year...of the friggin metal rabbit and therefore a few months short of impending real life come....September. AHAHAHA. i can hear ticking sounds in my head signaling the fact that I must start thinking again of the future and what I want to do with my life. however, every time I try to push myself into preparations for it...my mind goes crazy and reminds me that this is the time to do everything I want before real life sets in. therefore...tumutunganga tuloy ako. bummmer.

these past 2 months, I have been immersed in family affairs with my cousin's wedding, birthday parties, family outings....all of which I had no time for during med school. kaya kahit mag-absent sa work ok lang makaattend lang ng family outing! dahil wala namang absent-absent-an sa residency!

met up with my college friends Tingle bell, Ms Earth and El Nido today where we ate like pure PGs/patay gutom-s at Mercato in the alta place near St. Luke's Global. haaaaaay. conversation topics ranged from what are you doing the rest of your life?, to residency or not to residency that is the question, moonlighting 101, private vs public....hospital, and of course general chismax! (hahaha. parang mga category sa jeopardy!)....
anyhoo...ang conclusions ay kelangan magtrain para isave ang brain! (from deterioration....and degeneration!)

basically, all of us are bored with the monotony of our day jobs. but scared if kaya pa ba namin makipagsabayan sa mga kabataan. AHAHAHA. the underlying theme therefore is....KATANDAAN. ahahahaha.and some degree of katamaran. hahaha. parang after mo mag-aral ng mahigit 25 years omg.....mag-aaral ka pa ulit pala. hahahaha.

kaya nung aming family reunion dahil isa nalang ako sa nalalabi sa aming mga mag-pipinsang walang asawa ay nagmukmok nalang ako sa isang gilid habang nagbabasa ng washington's manual of medical therapeutics habang ang iba ay nagpapatulog ng kanilang mga anak! AHAHAHAHHA.totally pathetic if it weren't too funny. hahaha. kelangan na kasing magsimulang maging cutthroat. booo.


overall...fun weekend. fun family filled activities. but as always there is that dark cloud in the horizon....like an omen of impending doom! AHAHAHA. sana maging clear soon....

31 years in the making...

It's been too long since I wrote. HAHAHA. was watching funny chick flicks last night to kill time before I went to sleep and ended up skimming through Fever Pitch, a movie with Drew Barrymore and that guy sa He's not just into you about a successful girl who falls in love with a teacher, tapos ok na ok sila and THEN! biglang DIE-HARD fan pala ng Red Sox itong guy at tumitigil ang buhay niya habang football season. IKR! then nung napredict ko na yung ending....channel surfing na ulit ang theme only to watch again...While You Were Sleeping. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA at napamuni-muni sa line na...."sometimes life doesn't go the way it's planned..." AHOOOOY.

true indeed. today marks the 31st year of my parents' marriage. and unlike every other couple they no longer celebrate it...because of....I don't know...crazy realities in life and things married couples undergo after having been together 10M friggin years. let's just say hindi pang romantic comedy ang kwento nila...more of...pang MMK (Maalala ala mo Kaya)! ahahahaha. in the times that they share their feelings about their marriage to me (dahil wala ng ibang pagsha-share-an! AHAHAHA),  either of them feel that both are not giving everything into this partnership and so napagod na at parang dahil wala ng iba, ok nalang din basta may kasama pagtanda.and sometimes I wonder when I have turned into a marriage counselor after never having been in a marriage myself. 

the rare times that they do acknowledge this day are days like today, when our relatives from abroad are here and force them to remember this day dahil biglang may handa...therefore...walang kawala! AHAHAHAHAHA. But despite their denial that this day exists, I often celebrate it in my head...kasi kelangan ang theme sa day na ito ay kebs! My parents were never the best partners but I can surely say that they were extraordinary parents.What they lacked materially, they more than made up for. Kahit wag na silang magpalit ng damit, makumpleto lang ang libro ko sa school.At kahit hindi ko man naranasan magkaroon ng family vacation, araw araw naman ay family day sa bahay...sometimes even to the point of kasawaan portion! HAHA. Sabagay, since iisa na nga lang ako...sigurado talagang hands on kung hands on ang theme. 2:1 ratio for more! And it is for that reason that even if my mother always proclaims that she wishes she had a different life or whenever my father wishes he just fulfilled his dreams of going abroad, I silently thank God for bringing them together. so today I pray for my parents and hope that despite the many curves and deviations they have endured for their planned future 31 years ago, God would continue to be with them in their journey for 31 years ++ more.

naturally....

I miss reading the posts of other people in my dashboard. nafeefeel ko na tuloy ang unti unting pagka-busy ng mga tao habang ako ay in limbo. well technically may ginagawa din naman ako pero in the end...I realized that now I have all this time but am still stuck in the routines of before...mainly because of lack of money and also because of that general catching up theme that is the curse after medical school.


hay. i've been retyping and retyping the paragraph I'm going to write because I just have too many thoughts jumbled in my head. my mind is swimming with thoughts of poverty, weddings! (AHAHAHA), salaries, futures, silence, parental issues, being an only child, and missing my friends. i think...there's a reason why I'm so talkative...kasi when I'm alone...there is no one to talk to (AHAHAHA. kasi nga naman nakakatakot if there is someone to talk to! Ayoko namang magka6th sense or schiz! IKR.) and all the thoughts I want to share suddenly spill out when I'm with my friends. this entire week my only source of verbal output was our dinner/singing session with Dr. Van Helsing, prince of Manhattan who we all missed and picked on regarding his newfound ability to speak straight, impeccable, US-accented English. I suddenly realized what it felt to have your office friends and your friends-friends. AHAHAHAHA. parang nung nasa shore ako lahat kasi you consider your friends-friends cause you grew up together. like family. buth! in the mothership...there are so many aliens. and a lot of them don't understand the customs in the shore.


and now as I look around the room....I guess ang bottom line ay....I feel very much....ALONE. ahahahahaha.
sabi nga sa isa sa pinakamalungkot na songs of all time...

I truly am indeed....alone again, naturally.

mga salawikain ni paulo coelho...

last day of vacation today. haaaay. in fairness nakakamiss din pala ang nothingness. pero sabi nga ng Spice Girls...too much of something is bad enough. so tomorrow I will go back to the mothership and face the exodus of seafarers who are leaving for better shores. and as the new year starts I kind of feel like I am once again at a crossroads, treading a path that was not as clear as before. parang dati...it was medschool--> residency--> fellowship--> consultant--> happily ever after. AHAHAHAHAHA. pero ngayon it is medschool --> ..............

and just like the dots I typed I find myself wondering what path I have to take. As this year starts, the pressure for a decision on which road I will go to is mounting and at the moment I am so stumped. buth then again, january pa nga lang naman. pero syempre that little voice in my head is nagging at me to think forward...visualize the future...and set my goals. 

for the past 5 years I felt that I was running a very long race...and hanggang ngayon naghahabol pa rin ako ng oras. parang ngayon...naghahabol ng time para mai-extend ang nalalabing bahagi ng mini-vacation. Medicine is a choice I won't regret but sometimes I think it has stripped me of something important in my life. At ngayon ako ay in the midst of a quarter life crisis which I can't understand. how can I be so tired at this time? why is it that I suddenly crave vacations, think of stuff like retirement when I haven't even started. CHAKA. maybe it's because I discovered it is time to grow up. that as 2011 starts it means the real world awaits...2010 is the end of an era...the end of youth...and the end of certainty. CHAROT! ahahahaha. nakakasuka i can't believe it. to think I'm not even toxic right now. baka ganun yun...maraming time para magmuni-muni.

anyway, I went to mass last new year's day praying that I am where I am supposed to be and hopefully am in the profession where I am destined to be...cause sometimes I just don't know if tama ba talaga itong ginagawa ko. buth sabi nga nila...sino ba nakakaalam kung tama? IKR! ahahaha.

spent the last day of 2010 with my dad at Manila Ocean Park where I felt that I was indeed growing up noong na-realize ko na hindi na yung tatay ko ang nagpipicture picture sa akin pag nagpupunta kaming mga lugar kundi ako na (dahil blurred lahat ng kuha nya! hahahaha). also felt the sands of the hourglass dripping down come new year's eve festivities when I no longer jumped at the stroke of midnight hoping to get at least a half inch taller this coming year.siguro kaya ako nagjijinarts...kasi nararamdaman ko na ang pagtanda. ganito pala ang feeling. I am so not awaiting the time when I'm about to be a senior and the amount of jinarts that will generate...siguro I can power up a battery of a laptop! AHAHAHAHAHA.

therefore what way to end this blog with this link...from no other than paulo coelho :

 for more wisdom!

" reflect a lot on the choices that lie ahead, but once you have taken the first step, forget the crossroads for ever or else you will always torture yourself with the useless question: “did I take the right path?”

i hope that indeed after my first step, i can forget the crossroads.