Just keep...slime-ing!

Lately, the phrase one day at a time has taken a whole new meaning for me. I have forgotten how many times I've said this to friends, relatives, acquaintances, patients, and even myself, to try to encourage, yet at this moment, I feel like everything seems like empty words.

To take care of my mental health, I've done quite a few things to be mindful, grateful and at peace: meditation in the mornings, a set routine, limiting social media, playing some games, writing, reading books, and coloring. So di pala sya few. Parang kulang nalang magchant ako ng some Buddhist meditation songs like my mom used to do when I was younger (with a cassette tape! haha).  I still feel though like I've been sent to spin inside a washing machine na may setting na pinakamataas.

I feel mostly at peace and in the present  when I start coloring these black and white pictures with set colors I click on per number. It gives me a bit of a thrill to see what kind of colors will appear and how the picture looks after you've colored it. Oftentimes it isn't what I imagined it to be. I click on landscapes with a tree and mountains and think of sunrise in summer only to reveal that the picture is that of a tree in the mountains at sunset. As I look on the finished product, I can't help but still think that it is beautiful even if it wasn't the one I imagined it to be.

Picture taken from Oil Painting Color by Number App

Thus comes the snail. I accidentally clicked on this picture as I was browsing through the app's animal selection. Then I realized how the snail, as slow as it may seem,  keeps moving forward, even if it doesn't seem to be doing so...dahil sa bonggang kabagalan. Naisip ko din, parang wala naman atang snail na pabalik gumalaw. Haha. What a timely reminder. I hope that when I feel stuck, I remember that any step forward is a step in a new direction. Just keep walking...just keep swimming.

Dekada.

10 years ago, I was pushing hospital stretchers and monitoring vital signs q5 and q15 with glee! WITH GLEE! For the day was April 30, and what was probably the most awaited time of anyone in medical school at that time...for it meant only one thing...the end is near, of internship I mean. OMG! after this, no more monitoring machinery. No more intern this and intern that go do scutwork and the like. On to more exciting things! Like sunugan...and the thought that you have earned your degree finally!  Hahaha.

Now, ten years after, I am looking forward to today as well, for today is the end of my 14 day self-quarantine. Looking back, these moments of joyful waiting would be the only time waiting would be considered....joyful. Ahahahaha! If you look at it, these are actually, not endings but beginnings.

The past weeks...errr months have been plagued by many new words, some of which I think will be considered words of the year: COVID, quarantine, social distancing, extended enhanced quarantine, face masks, N95, "new normal". It has been a very trying year, at hindi pa tayo umaabot sa kalahati ng taon. I have faced and re-faced old issues, new issues, privacy issues and used up so many tissues. I have gone through so many emotions I feel like I am drowning in them all. I have realized how truly hard it is to be in our profession. I have seen how life is unfair but it is what it is. I have learned what it truly means to go high when they go low. I learned the hard way that intentions, no matter how good, can always be misconstrued...that in this world, there are truly evil people. I have once again been reminded that usually I am my own worst enemy. Yet, I have also never felt more loved and supported.

10 years ago, I was confronted with a May 1 of a sudden shift of responsibilities. No waking up early, no monitoring, no procedures, an end of a 5 year era that made me who I am today...but as I realized 10 years ago, life goes on. Tomorrow is a different May 1, I do not know what it will bring, but I hope that like 10 years ago, I will begin the day with the same elation, wonderment and child-like giddiness, which the end of medical school brought to me before.

Picture from Oil Painting App for Ipad (Colored digitally of course by your full fledged Tita, BOTD)

A letter for the tough times...and the happy times...and the sad....and the crazy times.

Dear me,

Today maybe one of those days you will remember for the rest of your life.

Keep your head up. You are not defined by your failures.

Fight your monsters. Fight your ghosts. You have the support of your people and the Lord. Only you have the power to vanquish them.

Life is hard and this is just one of those low points. So pick yourself up when you are ready and start walking again.

For now, grieve....but do not wallow.

Cry...but do not despair.

Deal with your disappointments. Lick your wounds. Berate yourself if you must, but never let your mistakes define you. You have done that for a very long time. You are not your anger. You are not your frustrations. You are not exemplified by your anxiety. Believe that you can because you are you.

Trust that all your wounds will heal. Be kind always. Be humble at all times. Love yourself like God loves you. Embrace the lessons today brought to you. Remember and keep them in your heart. Be thankful for the people who are behind and beside you.


You will one day look back that this has been one of the most beautiful journeys you have ever taken.


Love,
me

sugar-less musings...

Today, was another first day of work for me as I have now currently occupied SAFM's previous post as the teacher of the newest batch of refreshies! As I stood there grandstandingly talking about testmanship and asking them to answer previous exams, my mind was inwardly thinking and envisioning me blogging about this experience with an incredulous amount of AHAHAHAHAs interspersed in it. Seriously!  I cannot believe I was teaching them when I actually suck at exams...juskolord!!!!!

Pero gaya nga ng sabi nila, life has a funny way of working out...I cannot even count the number of times my previous professors told me how they were the ones na NOISY! STANDING! TULOG na nakanganga sa likod in their student years. AHAHAHAHAHA. 

So after approximately 2 hours,  I survived my first day. Hopefully hindi naman sila masyadong nagulat na nagpaexam ako on a day that was supposed to be....ORIENTATION day pala! Ahihihi...and now I felt how it was to be on the other side of the fence ....kung saan ikaw na ang sinisipat if you know something or you're just bluffing the hell out of everything. HAHA! I must say, medyo nandoon na nga siguro ako sa life stage na nagsisimula na akong maglife-mantra ng...wait! I know this! that meme about the fucks na wala kang pakialam (and in pure tita fashion, I googled it cause I forgot it!) AHAHAHAHAHAHA ....and my ever trusty peripheral brain google enlightens me with this meme...

                               


AHAHAHA. may meaning pa talaga and explanation yan sa website! kaloka! haha! Haaaaaay, "memes and GIFs," what would we do without you to accurately show our innermost thoughts! #mynewfavoritefeatureinviber AHAHAHA.

This was supposed to be more profound I think or more funny...but I guess I'm not too hyped with sugar...or Carmen's best ice cream (rurok ng kamahalan, pero ubod ng kasarapan)...which tends to give me and my friends deep, profound thoughts. HAHAHAHAHA!

Speaking of sugar and sweetened drinks, SAFM has been hyping up the area of the kingdom of the refreshies, where he said I would find computer shops to print my exams and this wonderful, wonderful source of milk shakes which he said were really good...but I walked up to the main road and I still wasn't able to locate Starr's famous milk shakes! AHAHAHAHAHA.

Here's to zero fucks but more bucks! hahaha!

Rebirth...

And just like that....it has been 4 years since my last bloggeth. Wow. Hahahahaha!

Senior year of residency + Diplomate boards + Fellowship training + Subspec boards + psoriasis progressing to Psoriatic arthritis + new hair color+ (hopefully) a lesser amount of nega-ness+ random church runs + ukulele playing-induced zenification = the new ME! hahahahahaha.

I am once again in that limbo between real-life and nothingness, which has allowed me time to reflect and re-read my blog. In fair, masaya pala rin magbalik-tanaw. Reading all my earlier entries made me realize that I have been on this road for most of my life and I can't believe how long and how far I've walked/swam/crawled/failed. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ang saya na meron kang time capsule of the past to kind of see how far you've come. (*cue in MOANA music*) Actually, ang totoo, I have this new work c/o my dear friend SAFM which needed me to introspect to a time prior to the Physician Licensure Exam to kind of get a feel of what I need to do to be a more effective educator.

Nakakatawang basahin ang mga earlier rants,whines and emo posts, only to realize that up to now some of them remain the same: the lack of money, how tiring it is to keep studying, the lack of time, and the loneliness of being alone. Nakakatuwang makita na nung 2010,  pag hindi mo alam ang pupuntahan mo magtatanong ka sa mga tao, nagtetext or tatawag ka sa kakilala mo pero ngayon...there's always Waze! How facetime-ing to me and my blogger friends meant was to see each other literally, when now it's this iphone feature ahahaha. How at that time I was almost beyond myself yearning to be back at the shore aka PGH, whereas now I would like to separate myself from it for the next 20 years. Ibang iba na ang mundo ngayon....but let's talk about that in a separate post. HAHAHA. I feel like my mind is bursting with ideas, it has truly been a long time since I've written anything hihi.

Scrolling back while hitting that back button for this blog, I laughed out loud at some of my entries, full of foreshadowing...what with me remembering childhood dreams of being a doctor due to free coloring books and ballpens to remembering from an IM review for boards, almost all the Rheumatology questions (sine qua non of Ankylosing spondylitis and Behcet's, AHAHAHAHA). Now I just finished almost all the required training stuff (thank God!) and am once again on the cusp of something new. True adulting! AHAHAHA.

Sayang hindi ko nadocument lahat ng pwedeng moments from residency and fellowship, but I guess, there's still time for those. Maybe, while I sit staring at the lizards in the clinic I can reminisce on some crazy and funny moments to look back when I'm feeling nostalgic haha.

But for now, it is time to revive this bloggeth again! AHOOOY AHOOOOY AHOOOOOY!

back to the shore....

After a year, I find myself back here. It has been a while I must say and to say that this year has been crazy is quite the understatement. I must say it is...crazy to the level of AHOOOOOYNESS! ahahaha. Feeling ko isa akong maduming damit na dumaan sa loob ng washing machine....and now, ten months going to eleven into this year, I have made tons of realizations, learned lots of lessons, undergone changes q1 and had makeovers in a lot of aspects in life that all deserve different blog entries. hahaha. 

However, this pagbabalik sa pagsusulat is in celebration of the end of my leave...my most anticipated 2 weeks of freedom this entire year of AHOY. As I said earlier, this year was such a rollercoaster ride. Nung sinabi ko sa diyos na turuan akong tumanggap ng mga bagay na wala sa aking kontrol ay hindi ko naman inakalang ganitong level of pagtuturo ang gagawin Niya sa akin. HAHAHAHAHA. Lahat talaga may sitwasyong hindi ko kayang i-control...like my story for today which is abouth the leave. 

Since we only get to have 2 weeks of freedom a year, each leave is carefully planned and plotted to include all kinds of activity known to man that are quite pleasurable crammed up into 2 weeks of happiness because you can turn off your resident mode for a while. at sa sobrang dami kong gustong thoughts na ilagay...pinaka-run on sentence ang theme. the grammar nazi in me is probably hitting me over my head with a mallet. anyway, for this year, ang theme ay umikot ng pilipinas since I didn't have enough money to go with my original plan which was to see the US again at wala rin akong kasamang mag-temple run sa angkor wat (SAFM I am looking at you now...hahahahaa *taps foot*). so since my psor lesions were bugging me and I was stressed to the level of cro-nut-ness (spontaneous combustion of flaky skin ang theme)....I decided that the beach is the way to go. Coron and Bohol here we come. for more I wanted to treat my parents this year so dahil maraming restrictions and what not, let's go up to Tagaytay for a day trip ang naging plano ko for this. 

I must say, in retrospect, every aspect of my leave was filled with irritating situations I couldn't control. From the booking of our flights to Coron to the sudden inavailability of HTGOF, Kick's ID, to the earthquake, the delayed flights in Bohol, the hard to find rent-a-van, sweldo not coming on time and me having to rush back to PG-etch because of our frickin PDS. ahahaha. 

BUT! among all those, I must say the highest ranking level of ka-imbey-an in my imbey meter (if there's such a thing) was our flight to Bohol last week. On the day we were supposed to leave for Bohol, I was awoken by the sound of my mother screeching in my ear that there were delayed and cancelled domestic flights due to RADAR fixing at the airport. I called the airline early on to ask the status of our flight and to my joy it wasn't among those that were cancelled. So 2 hours prior my dad and I were at Terminal 3 filled with such excitement and a little bit of kaba as we were going to Bohol exactly 1 week after the earthquake. The week prior had me changing my mind every 6 hours if we were going or not. After check in, we heard the first of many.... "Attn passengers of flight ___, your flight has been delayed....blahblahblah it is not the fault of the airline blahblahblah it is due to the fixing of the radar blah blahblah" Sa simula, kampante pa kami dahil never natawag ang flight number namin...ngunith! 5 mins before boarding time, we heard the message...our flight was delayed. But then ok lang. delayed lang pala. Kering keri. To pass the time we took pictures of planes, chairs, our feet, the floor, the planes again, the walls, read the newspaper, read it again, read some more while hearing the paulit ulit irritating PA person who kept on telling us that our flight has been delayed....3 hours. then finally....nalipat daw kami ng gate. It is time to change gate and board the plane and we were overjoyed. Finally! makakaalis na! We boarded the plane, I started taking pictures out the window. Nagdemo demo na ng safety chorla ang mga stewardess...pero hindi talaga gumagalaw ang eroplano. and then after 15 mins we heard the captain speaking about how the president was going to Bohol and that there will be no parking for the aircraft and that our flight was now cancelled. On cue nagsigawan na mga tao sa eroplano...like a palengke...and after 3 hrs and 15 mins we were at the arrival area of terminal 3 dahil hindi na umalis ang eroplano. We then found out that our flight has been rescheduled to 7am next day. AHOOOOY NA AHOOOOOY. IMBEY to the highest level. We were quite lucky that we were from Manila dahil pwedeng umuwi at bumalik nalang....pero yung mga iba...sinabihan nalang na matulog sa gilid ng airport kasi ganoon nalang ang ginagawa ng ibang mga tao dahil wala naman daw kasalanan ang airline. Ibang klase. Buti nalang din yung resort ay madaling kausap at naayos naman ang booking namin sa bohol.

then at 5 am the next day we were excited once again as my dad will be boarding and flying in a plane for the first time in 30 years! only to hear again...5 minutes before boarding time that...your plane has been delayed....FOR 3 FRICKIN HOURS! so gumala muna kami sa terminal. I must say naikot na namin lahat. nakapaginternet. nakapagrecharge na ako ng iphone to 100%. nakanood na kmi ng what does the fox say, showtime pabidahan, katy perry's roar challenge sa Good Morning America, ang pagkahulog ni shaina sa ASAP, ang batang bulag na kumakanta ng Wrecking Ball..only to find out na may 1 1/2 hours pa before estimated boarding time. hahahaha. we went back to the boarding gate an hour before estimated departure time only to find out that our flight is now....ON HOLD. WTHELELELEL! on hold?!?!?! ano ibig sabihin noon? pwedeng ma cancel na naman? buth! how about our reservations? how about the people who really really need to go home to bohol on that day? Ibang klase naman talaga. kung mamalasin ka nga naman talaga. This time daw dahil pa rin daw sa inayos na chorla sa NAIA ay nadelay ang eroplano tapos pagdating naman niya ng manila nung kumukuha for clearance for boarding walang maibigay...dahil walang papark-an ang eroplano. OMG. OMFG. OMFGGGGGGGGGGGGG. ahahaha. but I told myself, no Lord, ito na ang mga lessons mo. breathe in, breathe out. take tons of pointless art art-an pictures for instagram. take continuous shots of different planes landing, parking, moving, trucks getting luggage. Nakita ko lang na tuloy tuloy umaalis ng umaalis lahat nung ibang flights na dapat nauna pa kami....because really...what can you do? walang clearance. :(

and then after 2 hours wala pa ring balita... pandemonium started. Nagpupunta na isa isa ang mga pasahero ng flight sa counter. magkakakilala na nga kami. dahil yung iba yun pa rin ang suot. ahahaha. feeling ng tatay ko sya si tom hanks sa the terminal. ahahaahaha. well ako, feeling ko nasa....OPD ako. ang daming tao. ang sikip. ang ingay. at walang hanggang...pag-aantay. wala pa ring update. at wala man lang mala kimmy dorang....I look into it, I'll get back to you on that and I''ll give you an update ang airline people. So nabaliw na ang mga tao....sinugod na ang babaeng nasa counter at nagdemand na sabihin na if we were even going to leave or not. mahirap pala talagang maging....ON HOLD. ahahahahaha. but what is truly funny is that in 5 mins, biglang nagannounce si irritating PA girl na nalipat na naman kami ng gate at boarding na. this time, no one wanted to believe tuloy ang flight till we were up in the air. Finally after 30 hours, we were able to land in Bohol.

The days I spent on the beach though made up for all the kainisan. Actually all the craziness that happened before all my planned activities during the leave have been offset by the events themselves so masasabi ko namang quits na kami ng tadhana. begin with the end in mine ang theme.

and now as I look back on these 2 weeks where I really felt I had rested, I realized that life was giving me a test... and you just have to go through with the ka-imbey-an...the craziness...to get to the greatness and the happiness thereafter. HAHAHA. 

this monthly reflection writing during training is making me spew kaartehan at the end of my journals. hahaha. buth I must say, these past 14 days, have been the best days of this year. As I go back tomorrow and face all the craziness again, I imagine myself back there at the airport...you see the shore is quite crazy right now.Sobrang gulo. Sobrang daming pagpapalit that I can't recognize it anymore....but as Dory says, you just gotta keep swimming, just keep swimming.....

go for gold tomorrow! may I go back but not revert to the old me. hahahaha.

Favorable odds...

palpitations. sleeping disorders. spontaneous combustion into tears. inappropriate affect. pure and utter terror. cramming galore.



it is time for pre whooooadith syndrome. That time when you wish you never heard the 5 words that sealed your fate....aka the reaping/harvest......this patient is for whooooooooadith!

An influx of emotions flood you but the most bothersome of all is the thought that....tatayo ako sa gitna at iaalay sa madla!!!!!!! To be ripped apart to pieces. To be eaten alive by the vultures. To be stoned till you are left with nothing....


Ok OA naman yun ahahahahaha. As the days pass dread is replaced by panic then replaced by fear then replaced by indifference until you are there on a Thursday morning standing at the new venue at the ERC with moooooore seats and moooooore lighting. Then the hour passes by like a blur and all you remember are people coaching you in their seats while you zone out and nanette in public and saying the words thank you! Sorry! I was wrong! it's my fault! Ako na ako ako na ang may kasalanan. Noted po. Thank you.


Then just like that the whoooooadith is done. And no one remembers the crazinesss but you. Glad it's overrrrrrr. Hahahahaha.