flash forward...

Three weeks have passed by like a blur and now I wake up and find myself standing with the world in front of me...kahit ano pwedeng gawin...sabi nga nila, at this point the only thing that can stop you is yourself.

and as i sit here pondering life and the new senti Nescafe commercial...i remember snippets of the past three weeks which I will call...FISHVILLE aka the preresidency period. dahil....it's time to be observed and scrutinized like a tiny little goldfish as you swim in the little aquarium they have created for you. para pag pinalabas ka sa totoong world ay sure silang hindi ka nalang biglang lulutang pataas na ventral side up kasi nag-quit ka na...BIGLA.

the first thing that comes to mind is pure and unadulterated fear of not being able to measure up to the standard. it is always very fulfilling to be surrounded and to be amongst great minds until the time you realize that ang utak mo ay pang-Australopithecus! ahaha. pinakarudimentary like the first man on earth! AHAHAHA. BUTH! you then realize, with the help of friends, that the point of all this is to be a SPONGE! to bask in all that knowledge and try to absorb them all....while looking kebs....ahahahha.

then comes the kapaguran portion which i will rule in because of the presence of bipedal edema, blisters sa paa, enlarged finger calluses, hypoglycemia and tremors ( na hindi lang dahil gutom ka! haha) pag rounds, ubos na ballpen q1day and acne breakouts that make me look like i'm having menarche again! WTH!?!?!?!?! but i will also rule out because of dinner club after every day in the hospital, tawanan rounds in the callroom, post duty sleep, ranting sessions at gj and rob with Ate Smirketh and Sir Willy and Ate Enjh and Ate Queen, and MORE tawanan rounds in the callroom.

and of course syempre mawawala ba naman ang learning? feeling ko pumasok ako sa isang department store at gusto ko bilhin lahat! ahahaha. then i realized this is the point of wanting to go into training. busugan ng utak. to the point of regurgitation! to learn from your mistakes and to have your colleagues aid you as you make your first steps as a physician. in fairness... nakakatakot talaga na walang pagrerefer-an!!!! to not be shy to ask questions. kahit minsan...pinaka...hume-hello na ang sagot! ahahaha.

at higit sa lahat syempre, there are the patients...who have been teaching me everyday for the past 5 years....and in the end, pag nakapagpauwi ka dahil bumuti sila...nakakalimutan mo bigla that this is one big audition process. and you just marvel at the fact that you helped this person get well...even if it meant waking up insanely early...like 4am, writing up to 4 pages of incoming notes dahil patient ay galing Pay tapos CENICU tapos MICU tapos 100+ days na, using up your kapal- ng- mukha- quota- for- the -day sa MSS, ADHO, SHO, Labs, Blood Bank, Radio, SAGIP and other Medical Foundations para lang makapagpawaive, scouring your phone book to look for all your friendly-friends and not so friends sa mga ibang department para lang tingnan nila patient mo, praying to God to make your patient win the lotto para makapag pa HD na siya, at makapag BKA, makabili ng antibiotics! and if despite all that nag HAA, HPR, HTG (aka HOME TO GOD!), you stand there with the code team and use all your appraising powers that no CAT article can compare with...and hope that at least the family understood what happened.

I once again look back at the world in front of me (like BOY ABUNDA! AHAHAHA) and smile because I know I'm in the job I want to be...I am living the life I have always dreamed to have (though syempre medyo fairy tale level ang version nung pangarap ko with sunshine and angels and always happy faces)...and if in case I have to turn around at this moment because it is not yet time to move on to the next level...I will further my education in life's lessons and will be back again next year...

but for the moment...

magdodownload muna ako ng new seasons ng tv shows!!!!! FOR MORE! AHAHAHAHA.

Today is a gift...

"Quit, don't quit? Noodles, don't noodles? You are too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present."

It is the eve of a new adventure and I woke up today wishing I could somehow extend the 24 hours of this day into 24 hours more. I wanted to wallow and bask in the shore for as long as I could before going back again to the reality that is my chosen career. ( Kaya tuloy, minsan, napapaisip ako, tama ba itong pinag-gagawa ko? bakit ako napapagod?) Then, I realized, ang dami ko pa palang kailangan ayusin for tomorrow, at kailangan ko pa palang maghanda for the oath taking. BOO. So, my planned pagtunganga for the entire morning has been replaced with frenzied trips to the supermarket and the parlor and fixing my tiny bag for tomorrow and tweaking Dr. Tita's coat to fit me....because Friday pa daw makukuha ang coats namin.

at lunch time na bigla at kailangan na sumugod sa PICC for oath taking. where after 10M welcoming remarks which featured the most alpha wave inducing speeches...we got our PRC IDs, board rating, the certificate thingy that you see in most clinics which now looked so fake dahil printed on something like recycled paper. but of course before you can get your prized ID, let me tell you how crazy it went.

sa start palang pinakamagulo na ang oath taking, with it's OPD-level pilahan portion sa labas ng plenary hall complete with scalpers and scary photographer pins who suddenly charge you P600 for 15 shots daw of you taking your oath! (OMG. sino bang may kailangan ng ganung kadaming shots of taking your oath!) and then, you enter and see that there is a long line again...for FREE MIMS! haha. buth. in-abandon namin ang free MIMS for the moment to acquire good seats. seats that can easily allow takasan portion. para sa dulo makapila agad sa labas. and then, it's time to start the program which *GASP* has 4 frickin parts. there goes all my plans to relax before tomorrow. after the first oath of profession, we decided that we have just had enough of the welcoming remarks...e kasi naman, may opening remarks, may welcome remarks at may message pa ulit after the welcome remarks! ahahaha. at ang funny ay yung isang nagwelcome remarks ay si Dr. Nilo Rosas, who was very famous during our childhood as the one responsible for announcing...."Ito po si Dr. Nilo Rosas ng DECS, wala pong pasok ngayon sa lahat ng antas ng elementarya..." AHAHAHAHAHA! apparently, nasa PRC na pala sya ngayon. hehe. at dahil sawa na kami makinig sa kung ano pang sasabihin nila ay kami ay lumabas upang kumuha ng MIMS.

and then we realized we had to go back again to make another oath....and another...and listen to more speeches...and then...OMG. bigayan na ng lisensya. and in an instant na transform ang PICC Plenary Hall into DIVISORIA...pagka December 23 na! OMG. OMGEEEEEEEEEE. ang gulo gulo ng pila. therefore. walang pila. kahit nakagown at coat and tie pa ang lahat. para kayong nasa palengke na nasa LRT pag rush hour. skin to skin ang theme. good luck sa mahahaba ang gown at may feather feather sa likod. at nung finally nakuha ko yung envelope ko...OMG. hindi ako makalabas at naipit pa ang kamay ko sa sea of people. my gosh. goodbye sa aming mga poise. kung may live coverage lang nung time na yun...parang stampede ang itsura.

and now, after all that chaos, I am now a proud owner of a PRC ID...and that certificate thingy that I usually see in doctors' clinics. at patapos na bigla ang araw...which now resurfaces all this nervousness. I'm back again pondering the meaning of bibo-ness...until my dear classmate, the king of all things deep, tells me, don't worry...just be natural. be your best self.

Sabi nga ulit sa Kung Fu Panda...there is no secret ingredient. GO GO GO! Sana by the 26th okay pa ako. hahaha.

ETA: thanks to Ge for the picture! hahaha.

wake me up, when september ends...

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide...no escape from reality...

Reality begins on Monday. And I suddenly feel like I have walked into the set of The Apprentice or some other reality show where they vote out people. I once again feel like I'm in a really fast moving vehicle desperate to get off but at the same time craving the feeling of putting your life on the line to achieve something you really wish to become. My dreams of riding that insane escalator which suddenly morphs into a crazy version of Log Jam has now come to life!

From death related things, I am now worrying about the fact that we still have no coat, the sad state of my closet and its lack of pre-residency appropriate outfits, the wrong type of shoes I purchased with my pinag-ipunang kaperahan, acquiring a new trodat, whether or not I will buy the new medicine blue book, how in the world I will read Harrison's, what bag should I bring, how to remember to compute electrolyte imbalance, what to put in charts, how to conduct yourself in the pay rotation which we have zero knowledge on, and of course how to continue to be graceful underneath MAJOR MAJOR pressure and judgment.

They say it is our time to shine...but at the moment I feel like a recently burned out star. AHAHA. ano bang tawag dun? basta yung bago maging black hole. Sabi you have to be cut throat. You have to be as bibo as the energizer bunny. All this talk about having to be bibo is making me sooooooo tired. And we haven't even started IKR. I guess this is the scariest thing of all. I'm scared that when I go there and start this journey, I may realize that I don't want it after all....because for me, there is nothing else but this path.

Sabi nga ni HTGOF, the first step is acceptance. This is not death therefore hindi pwedeng anger! ahahaha. This will be a preview of what is to come. I hope I get out of it still alive and eager for more.

and for more events, oath taking pala sa Sunday. hahaha. bring it on! to my friends who will be with me in this journey, it is now time to return to our real lives again.

You raise me up...

we laid Tito J to rest today. in the past week, I have attended a lot of masses, prayed the rosary more than I ever would have, explained the mechanism of heart failure 10 M times, and recounted the events surrounding Tito J's demise 10M times. I have also seen 3 butterflies, smelled church candles in our house...but thankfully...hindi naman nagpakita sa akin si Tito J. baka kasi bigla akong mag-MI sa takot. hahaha. though nakapagparamdam na sya in several ways sa mga pinsan ko.

ever since my lolo died 26 years ago, this has been the first death we have seen in our family. dati nung sa lolo ko, ako daw at 3 kong pinsan yung inihahakbang dun sa coffin. pero this time around, syempre, pinaka-active-active-an na ang mga roles namin. at ang mga pamangkin ko na ang nagwowonder aloud kung ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin ng patay. at kung bakit ayaw gumising ni Tito J kahit na Pinoy Henyo na daw sa TV. I never knew there were like 10M pamahiin's involved when someone dies that makes me feel like I'm in the movie Crying Ladies! IKR!

such as...

...kelangan ng gunting sa coffin para walang susunod daw

...kelangan magbasag ng palayok paglabas ng coffin

...kelangan walang maiiwan sa place ng burol pagka nailabas yung coffin

...wala dapat sasakay na kamag-anak with the coffin sa karo nung patay

...bawal maging pallbearer ang mga anak at kamag-anak unless gusto mong sumunod na rin

...bawal magtake out ng food sa lamay or else...malas ang aabutin mo

...kelangan ihakbang ang mga kids sa coffin...though ndi ko alam ang purpose nito.

and many more that i can't remember at the moment kasi nga...sobrang dami na.

ang dami ring "remember when?" moments at mga stuff behind the scenes na inaasikaso pala kapag namamatay ang isang tao...like...

...kung anong tugtog dapat na music ng funeral car

...kung anong flowers yung ilalagay

...kelan nagbibigay ng thank you card

...anong ginagawa sa mga mass card

...pano yung malaking picture sa harap ni Tito J?

...anong isasama sa loob nung nitso?

...pano kapag umulan pag libing?

...ano ang mapa na gagawin para sa mga pupunta?

...ilan dapat ang sasakyan?

...dapat bang may convoy...(na walang wang-wang)

...pagdating doon sa sementeryo ano na ang gagawin?

It is really hard saying goodbye to people who have been part of your life for a long time. as I've said previously, Tito J and I were not close...but...he has been a fixture in my life since I was born. Siya yung mga parang alam mo na lagi lang nandyan. Pero ngayon...biglang hindi na. As the convoy passed by our house so that Tito J can say goodbye one last time, I couldn't help but cry because I know that when I get home pag disoras na ng gabi, I wouldn't see him laundering the days clothes dahil mas malakas ang tubig sa amin kapag gabi. And then, when we really had to say goodbye the final time, I felt the dam burst inside everyone. Wala ng tapang-tapangan portion. Wala ng pokerface ang theme song. At nung dasalan na, I had to stop myself for 2 seconds because I couldn't remember how to pray Our Father in Tagalog...at ang pinaka-irony of it all....ako ang maglea-lead ng prayer! IKR! And for more kaguluhan of moods, I felt my phone vibrate as messages kept coming in.

I don't know if kagagawan ni Tito J, ni God, o swinerte lang talaga kami na biglang naglaho ang ulan nung papunta na kami at habang nasa sementeryo kami. As each of my pamangkins were carried over the coffin just as we were before, I remembered how time flies. Sooner or later, it will be one of us...then I remembered...may NAG-TEXT!

omg. and then I saw I qualified for pre-residency. Gusto kong matuwa...pero masyado akong na-stun. I then offered a short prayer and quick thanks to Tito J. I know that in this new phase in our lives, which will surely be difficult, we have one more angel praying with us there in heaven.

Hanggang sa muli nating pagsasama-sama Tito J! Walang takutan ok? hahaha.