testing the waters...

I have this weird tendency to keep on going at a certain task even if I'm supposedly done doing it. For example, if I have choir practice from 5-8 pm, I will still be singing till 12 MN. Now, I'm looking at job openings and it is 1:30 am and I am still going at it as if they will not be available tomorrow. Maybe that's why I was drawn to IM, because you always think about your patient's diagnosis, labs, etc. when you are in the hospital. Then, when you go home, you think again. While you sleep, you dream about them. After that, you go back to thinking again because you're back in the hospital and now you're wide awake.

I am not really a risk taker. I was never really good in venturing into the unknown. If I were to be that man in that poem, The Road Not Taken, I would have certainly chosen the road with the most light. I would choose, The Road Always Taken. That's why it's a very hard task for me to go about this new phase in my life. Residency was always that sure track. I have never even considered moonlighting and now, I must do it so that I can have some direction and of course, money. It's such unknown territory that I feel like I'm a non-swimmer dipping my feet into the water to test if I can really move forward. I guess in a way, I'm discovering why I needed to go down this road at this point in time.

My friends tell me that this is such a great opportunity, a chance of a lifetime, to be your own boss and manage your own time. However, at the moment, I feel like I am in that situation where I am absolutely unable to make a fast decision, like choosing a restaurant or fastfood chain to eat at when with friends. I also find myself in an unexplainable state of shyness, again, unable to go out there and ask for help from people who have experienced it before. I guess I am too scared of judgment and my self esteem has plummeted down to the level of the Marianas Trench. There is also that added factor of a family experience of missed opportunities and non-risk taker role models by the bucket.

I think it is indeed time to stop wallowing in my own pit of baseless fears and just keep on going.


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand CUT!

According to the word count tool in www.wordcounttool.com that was 413 words. I decided to write in straight English to see if I can force my brain to write around 10 articles of straight English for a job I saw online for writing medical articles...in straight English with good grammar...for more! I felt like I just wrote a paragraph for English class...in high school with the theme, "What I did for Summer Vacation!" It's so terrible. I also realized the most important thing of all...I no longer think in English...grabe. I guess, yun ang pinaka-naicontribute sa akin ng UP education ko. Before in AC, I mastered that thinking in English level because everyone was making salita in English you know! HAHAHAHAHA. At ngayon, habang nagta-type ako, kung anu-anong taglish things ang lumalabas sa utak ko. Gustong gusto ko maginsert ng evil laughter, benefit of the daws, and Melanie Marquez lines...for MOOOOOOOOORE. but I needed to stop myself. therefore...isang pinaka...pa-virg na article ang lumabas. AHAHAHAHAHA. it's so pa-virg, SAO (Suka All Over, from HTGOF's vocabulary).


just came from catching up with my Joe's Pub friends and Comic Index friends where all I did was laugh, copy files, look at job opportunities, talk about pathognomonic signs, wonder how in the world HTGOF doesn't know The Neverending Story, talk about the newest version of The Neverending Story, which is: The Neverending Story 4: Sinong Bading?, and try to convince myself I can speak, write and think in pure, impeccable English...and now, I'm still thinking at 2am. IKR!

Ooooh. at namiss ko rin palang mag-abbreviate ng napakaraming bagay in that earlier exercise. hay, having come from a place where we abbreviate almost any word available...it's really hard to not do it. Siguro, namimiss ko lang talaga ang old life ko...where everything was easy. All you had to do is summed up by 3 words: Duty, Post Duty and Pre duty.

Buth! BUTH! (siguro ito na ang word na pinaka-overused ko sa blog na ito)...sabi nga ng aming source of all wisdom Ate Smoketh, there are just two things needed to move on which for some strange reason is escaping my memory at the moment (siguro dahil 2am na! at malapit na ang moment of pure kasabawan ng utak, which is...3am!)...basta ang essence ay, itigil ang pagjijinarts at never look back. AHAHAHAHA.


here's to more exciting adventures...in the land away from home. :)